Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Fruitcakes Rally in London

Following on the government's decision to pass a bill abolishing the difference between apples and oranges, there was protest rally in central London attended by several thousand people. French and English together braved the cold in Trafalgar Square to assert that the government does not own fruit and cannot tell us what to call it.
The police had to restrain a bevy of counter-protestors who stormed the rally shouting "Shame on You!" and "End the historic discrimination against oranges!"
Speeches were made in French and English saying that an apple and an orange are two different things and nobody should be forced to deny this. Apples have cores and pips, while oranges have rind and pith. There was roar of horror from the counter-demonstrators shouting "You are stupid bigots!" and "Oranges deserve equality!"
 Another speaker said it was unfair that teachers or civil servants should be forbidden to make a distinction between two things that looked different to him. Classrooms would now have to display posters showing a large picture of a Granny Smith apple, labelled "This is an orange." Any staff who objected would be accused of citrophobia and sacked. The Guardian reported this as an "anti-fruit rant" and "abhorrent hate speech".
A woman took the microphone and described how she had been arrested for trying to buy marmalade in a supermarket. She was told she must call it jam or be banned from the shop. Another speaker warned that the terms "Golden Delicious", "Russet", "Spartan", "Braeburn" and "Cox" would be removed from all legal documents at a cost to the tax payer of five billion pounds. Pubs would no longer be able to sell cider and orange juice as different drinks, but would have to call them both "orider".
A contingent from the counter-protest rushed the platform trying to pull out the power cables to the megaphone. Another orange-rights activist took all her clothes off and was wrapped in a coat by the police and taken away.
A demonstrator interviewed by the press said, "There is no such thing as citrophobia. The government should not be interfering with these matters."

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