How nice that I have now got the Nobel Peace prize - and so have you, and all of us in fact, since we are citizens of the European Union and the EU has just been collectively awarded the prize by the Norwegian committee.
What a pity that the prize is utterly worthless and has fallen into disrepute because it's been given to so many absurd recipients for such bizarre reasons. Frankly, I wouldn't waste a tea-bag celebrating it, let alone open the champagne.
The last person to get it, you may remember, was Barack Obama. He got it almost as soon as he was elected President of the USA. After getting the Peace prize, he continued the war in Afghanistan for another four years and US troops are still there. After having Osama-bin-Laden assassinated he embarked on the current campaign of drone-bombing Taliban targets in Pakistan. All of which may be very necessary but does it really come under the heading of "peace"? Using necessary force to maintain a just peace, maybe. But that sounds to me remarkably similar to "war".
Let's face it, the real reason he got the prize was because there wasn't a specific award for being the first black (or blackish) person elected President of the USA. Obama's latest contribution to "peace" has been to cringe and grovel to the fanatics who murdered the US ambassador to Libya. Christopher Stevens was an islamophile who had nothing to do with the film that appeared in America but he and his colleagues were hacked to bits in a devout religious protest. Then Obama grovelled and said that insulting Islam was totally utterly inexcusable.
Blessed are the peacemakers!
Then there was Al Gore. He got the Nobel Peace Prize for spreading wild predictions that the melting polar ice-cap was going to raise sea-levels all over the globe by about two hundred feet in a century, and promises that we could stop this catastrophe by buying carbon emission permits. The permits made Al Gore very rich but seem to have had no impact on sea levels, and those who believe his theory about CO2 need to explain why the polar ice-cap on Mars is shrinking at exactly the same rate as our own. Have they got cars and aeroplanes, central heating and fridges too, on Mars?
Previous recipients of the Nobel Peace Prize include our dear friend Gerry Adams, who recently shook hands with the Queen when she visited Ireland (meanwhile the Duke of Edinburgh gave him the coldest shoulder I have ever seen). And let's not forget Yasser Arafat whose terrorist PLO murdered the entire Israeli Olympic team in about 1972. Since 1948, when they attacked Israel, the Arab League has caused unending war by stubbornly refusing to accept the legitimacy of the state of Israel which was founded by international agreement. They claim that the non-Jews who left Israel because of the war they started are victims, yet a greater number of Jews were expelled from surrounding Arab zones and have happily re-settled themselves elsewhere. Even Wikipedia admits that the Arab League was an ally of the Nazis and the PLO has simply carried on Nazi policies ever since.
Blessed are the peace-makers?
So what did the EU do to get the Nobel Peace prize? Supposedly it achieved "six decades of advancement of peace, reconciliation and human rights in Europe." Peace as in riots in Spain, Greece and Warsaw this past week? 7,000 extra police flown into Athens alone to keep the angry, starving crowds at bay during the visit of Angela Merkel.
Peace as in protestors in Madrid being clobbered and injured by police in the streets, and then viciously beaten up in recrimination attacks later? Peace as in photographs of people with cracked skulls and broken collar-bones?
Peace as in bullets, tasers, water-cannon and tear-gas being used to keep down mobs in Warsaw, protesting against the steep new taxes and cuts in just about everything? Human rights as in setting up a European police force whose members are immune from prosecution?
Peace as in helping the Shi-ite extremists trying to take over Syria? Peace as in saying nothing at all about the brutal persecution of Christians in Egypt? Human rights as in giving prisoners the vote and stopping us from kicking out Abu Hamza for year after year after year?
Reconciliation as in appointing a bunch of former criminals to take charge of the European Stability Mechanism, the biggest currency-grab in history, and granting those crooks immunity from prosecution?
The Prize Committee also thinks that the EU has somehow managed to advance democracy in Europe. Apart from in Italy and Greece where it has calmly dismantled the democratic system and put its own puppet rulers in charge. And Spain, where it has done much the same in a more discreet fashion. And France and Ireland where it has ignored the outcome of national referenda. We all had a vote, didn't we, on the appointment of Baroness Ashton?
All in all, I am not too flattered to get the Nobel Peace Prize. It's a bit like being offered a pair of second-hand trousers that have been worn by a series of people you particularly dislike.
I would be more pleased to win the prize for the best spuds at my local village fete. It would mean so much more!